I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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