i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We need a shit load of segways right now
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
