i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
