I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
