Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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