i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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