I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I cannot find my penis.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize