Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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