My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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