no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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