I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
