Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
her vagine was all disorganized.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
