well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
