I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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