You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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