literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Still dying that you shit outside
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
