Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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