The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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