Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
