Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
