a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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