Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize