i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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