Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
