my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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