How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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