Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
