I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
