So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm always down for nudity.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
