OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize