I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
