btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
