Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
