The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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