so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
