you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
