You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
