Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
