Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
