I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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