So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
