If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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