I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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