You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
