I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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