well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
