I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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