look no pants
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
