i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
