he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
