oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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