I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
