pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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