i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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