Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He better not be in your backpack
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
