i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
